We often think of fear of failure as presenting the highest challenge to stepping off into a new venture, a new lifestyle, a new endeavor, but I think the other side of that coin is more prevalent for some of us.
Not that I haven’t enjoyed a modicum of success in this more-than-a-season lifetime I’ve been here, but not to the degree that I have a vision might be in the making.
I plan to graduate in a few weeks. I’ll be receiving a degree earned from an institution of higher learning, that only in the last few years became a reality that I had any thought or consideration might be one that I would enjoy.
Leaving high school earlier than graduation, I had visions for us of the marital bliss that I saw around me and a husband I thought was to be my permanent partner. He’d been my first boyfriend and as I continued down that path bearing two children by him, I assumed we would weather the storms and settle into a lifestyle similar to our parents. My innocence was probably typical of the age bracket.
Returning to high school night school a few years later and then classes at the community college to prepare myself for a career that would support raising my children by myself, I saw my highest future, sitting at a desk with a regular weekly salary and necessary benefits like insurance and sick pay.
That goal soon was overshadowed by that of a career in computer programming, and after struggling for a few years, was fairly easily reached. It was a little more challenging to achieve and required a move a thousand miles away from my family, friends and the place of my birth.
But, it too, was soon enough, filled with complacency and I yearned for a higher purpose.
Floundering through the creation of small, homegrown businesses and acquiring licenses to perform various and sundry practices, the plans weren’t mature and the addiction to the money provided by the corporate career, of too high a value.
This century and life itself provided an opportunity for me to leave the safety of a skill that came easily and naturally to me. I needed a new plan and a return to school was imminent.
That was 5 years ago and much has changed in that time. I’ve moved back to Michigan, quite unexpectedly, due to the death of my former husband and long time close, personal friend. I’ve all but abandoned any consideration that I will return to computer programming and corporate life. I’ve been educated.
I received a more than worthwhile education from Texas Woman’s University. My world view is larger and more in depth. I truly can see the big picture. I know how a lot of it works.
And now, I begin to see a keyhole, an opening in the universe, where I can insert the skills and knowledge that I’ve acquired over the years to an idea that has been calling for attention from within my psyche. As I write the business plan, I begin to see that it might really work. That’s the scary part.
This morning I have lots of work left to do on the assignments remaining for this semester. I really must put aside my thought of tomorrow and work on today. I will. I have the requisite self discipline, honed to an art form. I’ll eat, drink, breath and think about what’s in front of me today and I’ll get it done in a timely manner.
But tomorrow, tomorrow is right around the corner and I see the light starting to increase as I approach the end of this hall and soon will be able to round the corner, with full expectation of the light of God that is waiting for me.
I can do it. I know I can, I always have.